Special Needs Mom Burnout. What it is and How to Fight it.

Special needs moms have burnout, really don’t all parents? Let’s talk about the unique challenges of the special needs mom burnout and how to fight it when it strikes.

First, we must ask the question, what is special needs mom burnout? Merriam Webster defines burnout as “exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration.” That’s right folks burnout can even have physical side effects.

Burnout can happen in your career and I think that’s where it is most written about, but today we are going to talk about special needs mom burnout. A kind of burnout that is unique to those of us that have the challenges of a special needs child. As all children are different there are different challenges to parents of special needs children.

Medically Fragile Child

If you have a medically fragile child you are going to have a kind of special needs mom burnout that is filled with constant appointments. Nurses coming in and out of your home and the uncertainty of your child’s health and sometimes outcomes from different disease processes.

I faced this to a slight degree with my youngest who had many issues with gastrointestinal issues as a baby as well as being flagged for cystic fibrosis. The waiting for specialists was terrifying because it oftentimes would take months to get into an appointment. Being in and out of hospitals all the time. Thankfully my daughter’s issues resolved with age and she turned out to be a cystic fibrosis carrier.

The reality of a lot of special needs mom’s is this. Their child has a disease process that will be life long or sometimes be terminal. No parent should have to face these stresses but it’s the reality of many. A lot of times these children are non-verbal and have developmental delays, which is what I will talk about next.

Developmentally Delayed Child

This special needs mom probably has a child with autism or some other form of a developmental delay. This I can closely relate to as my daughter has autism and so does many other members of my family.

This special needs mom that too has to deal with multiple appointments with specialists. Physical therapy once a week, occupational therapy once a week, speech therapy once a week. The list goes on and on, you could make a full schedule without any extracurriculars because you are just constantly going from one appointment to the next.

All the while trying to still take care of neuro-typical children, do the laundry and make dinner. Special needs moms are asked to take the brunt of the emotional and physical toll of having a special needs child. Often times we fall short of this which leads to guilt.

Guilt

A big part of special needs mom burnout is guilt. No matter the kind of special needs mom, a lot of the feelings are similar. Some moms experience the guilt of not recognizing symptoms or signs earlier. Some moms experience the guilt of not being able to take care of a sick child, work, and put dinner on the table. A daily struggle for most moms but the added stress of a special needs child is one that can sometimes throw you over the edge.

If you have a child that doesn’t have special needs you can welcome another type of guilt. This guilt is about spending too much time with your child that has special needs. The reality that your other children that don’t have challenges are going to be tasked to take care of their sibling. The guilt that this relationship and family dynamic will affect them. The understanding that they will never have a typical sibling relationship and the guilt you feel for that loss.

How to Fight It

Now that you have some insight let’s talk about some ways to fight the unique special needs mom burnout. The most important realization is when you are feeling burnt out. You can’t fix something you are unable to acknowledge. Continuing to go through motions and pretending to be alright doesn’t help you or your child. This very much plays into self-care in general and the importance of it.

Compassion towards yourself

What does self-care look like when you’re a special needs mom? Well, it looks like taking a minute when your child is in the middle of a meltdown (with them safe of course) to close your eyes and take a deep breath. It’s talking to yourself in the compassionate tone that you need to be able to deal with the immediate situation. This includes your child as well as the judgment of others that inevitably happens.

Have Support

If you have a medically fragile child it’s pulling on the support of your friends and family. To help you at appointments and to grieve with you when you get the bad news. It’s being able to call someone in the waiting room and talking about the real fears you have. As well as the irrational ones. Talking about all those fears helps shine a light on them and makes them seem more manageable.

Your darkest times happen when you are alone, so get someone to come with you on the path. This includes groups of special needs parents. They know your same struggle and can help lend an ear when you just need to vent.

Now that you are talking to yourself in a compassionate tone, you’re giving yourself some space to acknowledge that THIS IS hard, and you have support. How do we deal with the guilt? The guilt of putting your child through necessary but painful procedures. Or the guilt of a neurotypical child who is a sibling to your special needs child. What do you do with that?

Let yourself off the hook.

Guilt is a complex emotion that is brought about when you have a feeling of doing something wrong. The guilt that comes with a special needs child is that you made them. You somehow are responsible for putting them in this situation. You are responsible for having a child with special needs and a child without them. This is the foundation of our guilt. The reality is, this isn’t true. You did not choose to have a special needs child nor did you choose to have these challenges. So let yourself off the hook!

If your child without special needs is asking for special attention give it to them. Understand that the complex relationship they have with their sibling is normal for them. In times of stress explain the situation at their level and help them understand that you do not love them any less but that their sibling is having difficulties that you need to pay attention to more. Children are very understanding and forgiving, so you are probably projecting more feelings on them than they actually have.

Check-in with yourself.

Along with the special attention, you’re giving to everyone keep in mind to still give special attention to yourself. Check-in periodically and see how you are feeling. Have you slipped back into guilt? Have you suddenly become the only person dealing with everything? Our old habits slip in unnoticed sometimes, so if you are feeling burnt out it might be that one of these has wiggled their way back in.

Hold on!

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When you are really in it and unable to feel like nothing is working, just hold on. Often, when things are difficult for me I have to go through the storm until the situation resolves. During this period I continue to move forward sometimes only crawling but I never stop. I also find it helpful to try to find the lessons I am learning through the situation. I have never gone through a tough time that didn’t significantly help me grow.

Let’s sum up all the ways to help combat special needs mom burnout. You need to be compassionate to yourself, have support, allow yourself to acknowledge the challenges that you face and not demean them or magnify them, you need to let go of the responsibility you might inaccurately have, check in with yourself periodically to see where you are, and when all else fails just hold on and the storm will pass.