Gentle Parenting

This is about gentle parenting, it introduces you to gentle parenting, talks about why I use gentle parenting and gives you a crash course.

This is a subject I am very passionate about, so up until now, I have refrained from writing about it. To not, would be untrue to myself and who I actually am. If I am not real then why am I even blogging? So I decided that it was time to tackle this issue.

What is gentle parenting?

Gentle parenting is a style of parenting that focuses on prevention of behaviors, lots of praise, and the relationship you have with your child. It rarely if at all uses any punitive punishments like time out. Gentle parenting never uses corporal punishment (which I and all studies are very against). Also, duh.

It also focuses on not yelling or harshly talking to a child. This is a supportive form of parenting. It works on building up a child and comes from a place that you do well if they can.

Why I use it?

So now that we know what gentle parenting is, why should we use it? It is a preferred method of parenting because it focuses on the child’s emotional wellbeing. This is not to be confused with a parent-child relationship that is one of friendship. Or the parent doesn’t have expectations of their child. It is one that focuses on teaching the child emotional intelligence and takes into account a child’s point of view.

With this good relationship you then have open communication. Less reason for a child to lie about feelings. Or situations that another child that has been subject to punitive measures might not do. You might think that this is not important when you are speaking about a child.

This is very important when you are thinking about an adolescent or young adult that might come across situations that you would want them to come to you instead of their peers. If you have ruined their relationship with you as a child, they will be very unlikely to come to you when a friend offers them drugs, or they are inquired about sex, birth control, etc.

The parts of gentle parenting.

There are many different parts to gentle parenting that might better explain to you this method of parenting.

Rewards

Gentle parenting doesn’t use rewards. In the words of Dr. Greene rewards do not teach skills. I talk more about collaborative and proactive solutions that Dr. Green created here. The idea of using rewards is based on the idea that children do not do well because they are not motivated enough to do what is being asked of them. Gentle parenting believes that a child is motivated enough but they are unable to do what you want them to do.

Choices

There is a great emphasis on choices because it alleviates a power struggle. The child feels like they are in control and depending on their choice they might have to suffer natural consequences. This will make you as the parent more reputable.

Play

Gentle parenting uses a lot of play to teach. Children use play as their primary way to learn. So including playfulness in you parenting can make a child feel like they are not even doing chores. Such as suggesting a race to pick up toys, or making a game out of getting ready in the morning. These are all creative and fun ways for children to learn time management and how to clean up. Without a parent shouting, or screaming for a child to do so.

Feelings

In gentle parenting, there is a focus of feelings and emotional intelligence. If a child is crying they are not chastised for having feelings they are fostered and acknowledged.

We all have feelings of anger, sadness, or frustration. Many adults don’t have healthy ways of dealing with them (ex. eating, drinking, shopping etc). By acknowledging your child’s feelings and helping them learn to deal with them, they develop healthy coping skills.

There is also an emphasis on the wording of behavior of children. You never say that a child is a “little sh*t, bad, brat, or naughty.” It is always termed as “having a difficult time” or “you get frustrated with this [activity] don’t you.”

On the basis that a child will become what they are told they are if they are told that they are bad they are going to behave badly. If a parent labels them as such it must be true so it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Negotiating Limits

Another tenant of gentle parenting is negotiating limits. An example would be bedtime on a Friday night. Your child doesn’t have to go to bed at the same time as they do on a school night so you give them the option of staying up to watch an episode of the show they like, or to stay up an extra couple of minutes. There is also a realization of expectations put on a child. Thinking about if a thing that is being asked if really necessary or fair and talking about it with your child.

Partnership

This is a difference that might be the most significant to the uninitiated. Children are not second class citizens as they once were, but they are still seen as people that should be beneath their parents. In gentle parenting children are seen as equal members in a family, that their concerns are just as valid as parents and are to be heard out and addressed. Gone are the days of being not seen and not heard. This also means that apologizing to a child is used when appropriate.

Forced Affection

Forced affection is not condoned in gentle parenting as the child’s body is their own. It teaches the child that their boundaries are to be respected by all adults in the family and out. If they don’t want to sit on Santa’s lap, kiss aunt Mildred, or hug people goodbye they have the right to not have that happen to them. It’s about autonomy and boundaries. Sharing or manners are not always enforced either because they are to come from within a child’s genuine desire to do so.

Parental Time-outs

Although a time out for a child as a punitive measure is not enforced with gentle parenting taking a step back as a parent is. When a child is having an undesired behavior it is a means of communication in a skill that they are having difficulty meeting. Anger can sometimes cloud your lenses on your child’s behavior being a communication.

So taking a step back is about regaining composure and formulating and the idea of what your child is needing at that moment and how it can be prevented in the future. This can be encouraged in children as they get older but it is never used as a punitive measure.

Permissive Parenting

Permissive parenting is what we think of when we hear a child that gets everything they want. They are never told no. Their parents are their friends, wanting to always please their children. There are no expectations of their behavior or actions. This is not what gentle parenting is, it is actually quite the opposite. As this form of parenting does have expectations. It does expect children to be an active member of a household it is just done in a gentler way.

So now that you know more about gentle parenting try it out! Kids do so much better when you are working together. As a team and there is not an “us against them” mentality. If I can just get one person to think about their child’s feelings. How they are raising them that is good enough for me. In the end, we all just want what’s best for our kids.

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